Low Down Tired Now

More than a few times in the last six years, it has gotten back to me that acquaintances or any numbers of people groaned about how they were sick of hearing about my medical ailments. How fortunate for them that I at one point went an entire year without any emergency hospital or doctor visits; how fortunate for them that more recently the attention turned to my husband who had a major heart surgery. Sure it turned out he was slowly dying (a secret the surgeon kept until the cardiologist let the cat out of the bag) and he would have been dead rather soon, but thankfully he’s doing great, now.

Trust me when I say I’m sick of hearing about my own ailments. In fact, I’m fucking exhausted. So exhausted that I’ve never had a fully functioning immune system and I never seem to get time to recover from all the things surgery does to a person. Not even six weeks out from my husband having heart surgery, was I informed I have the beginnings of cancer — this time in my ovary. The ovary that shouldn’t have been left behind when I underwent a botched hysterectomy that sent me into kidney failure. I thought I was done. I was supposed to be done. I was supposed to get an additional minor surgery on my cancer and radiation ravaged leg and that would be it, I would be done. Now I don’t know if I’ll have a straightforward operation, or if more organs will be taken. Either way, it’s a very dangerous surgery and I think the prospect has finally broken me.

Surgeries never scared me; even after the one that nearly killed me I went in like a mildly inconveinenced housewife who had to get her manicure all over again because she chipped the finish of her nails. The surgical teams and nursing staff always think I’m a tech or a nurse. I can put my own IV in if I wanted to. Many nurses remember me from previous visits because I’m usually in goth-chic attire and they ask about my cats Ike & Tina. Each time I’m rolled into the operating room, I fuck with the anesthesiologists telling them I ate a Scottish breakfast a few hours prior, and then ask them to tell me funny stories about the idiot patients who eat before surgery or have family members try to hide food in their blankets (you wouldn’t believe what people do). I know the layout of every intake room, waiting room, and hospital floor. I know what pain med cocktail works and what doesn’t. I know which gowns are itchy and suck (the DvF designed ones) and to always bring my lip balm and dry shampoo.

I can honestly say I’m finally tired. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t bring out the sunny disposition or humor and I have never felt the stress the way I do now. My hair is falling out and the thought of food is disgusting. I’m glad when I’ve gone out and socialized — I need it to feel normal — but there have been many times I just don’t want to talk or be around people. I don’t want people helping; they just get in my way. I don’t want to hear anyone moan about how stressed or tired they are from their jobs, as though it were a badge of honor. Lately I just sit in silence; I can’t even stand my beloved trash TV or Judge Judy.

My husband is forcing himself to get better faster on my account, even thought he’s still not 100% himself, but we’ve had a lot of practice. This is the second time I’m working on a solo show with a nearing deadline, while sick. Hoping I come out of this surgery alright, unlike the one in 2014. Expecting the worst is all I can do so that maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. I have a lot of plans and really don’t want to change or alter them.

My apologies to those who tire of hearing about how my 30s has been a non-stop narrative about what’s wrong this time — I have bad luck, I guess.

JerkbyProffer

Fruit with Melting Things: Artists I Like Right Now

Jacob van Hulsdonck

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Michael Page

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Eric Wert

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Linsey Levendall

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New Painting: Jerk

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“Jerk” 12×12″ oil on panel.

This will be part of my upcoming solo show in the fall, made possible by the Ohio Arts Council.

 

 

New Painting: Tween

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“Tween” 12×12 inches, oil on panel.

This will be part of my upcoming solo show at HEDGE Gallery’s satellite space inside 78th Street Studios this fall. It will be my first solo show of my biomorphic work I have been concentrating on.

New Painting: Carmel

12×12″ oil on panel. You can adopt her over here.

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This painting I spent a lot of time on for a specific show at Auguste Clown Gallery in Melbourne. I shouldn’t have agreed to do the show, as making this painting took time away from work on my upcoming solo show. A week before I was to send it off to Melbourne, I got an email from Scott Listfield about what had been going on with Auguste Clown. Trust me, it takes a lot for artists to out a gallery — let alone in a bulk email.

I’m so glad I decided to not send it. The fallout was pretty quick you can see here, here, and here.

Auguste Clown still have a painting of mine in their possession — which I notice is no longer available online — and I am hoping they do the right thing and return it to me. It’s amazing they owe artists hundreds of thousands and they were jerking around collectors who bought work.

Whether it is blue chip galleries or Dorito chip galleries, I’m glad this whole thing became very public via social media. A lot of people don’t realize it happens on all levels; it is usually kept quite because the artists don’t want to be perceived as “difficult”, but it does happen and a lot more than you think. For this gallery to get in this deep, then disappear and close once they were called out very publicly, is certainly a more extreme example.

Summer Mini Art Shows

I’ll be the featured artist for the Saturday, May 21st installment of the Platform Brewing Concert Series at Lake Affect Studios! This includes bands The Teddy Boys, Erienauts, and John’s Little Sister. Amazing beers on tap, food trucks, and more. 21+ and doors are at 7:30pm. $10 entry. This event is a monthly concert series featuring local bands, beer, food, and artists.

Catch my pop-up exhibit called “Brush with Beauty” inside Legacy Village during Art in the VillageJune 4th & 5th from 10am to 6pm. We are taking over a storefront as part of Retail Lab and it will include a pop-up exhibition, and fabulous vintage finds from Deering Vintage.

After that is “Draw Together” co-presented by the Cleveland Museum of Art and SPACES on Sunday, June 26th at CMA. I’ll be drawing for a few hours in the galleries with visitors. The museum turns 100 and this is part of their Centennial Festival Weekend. If you are too hung over from Solstice Party they do sell wine in the cafe! I’ve been a Teaching Artist at CMA this past year working with medical students and professionals, and it’s been swell!

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Biomorpic Progress Shots

I’ve been busy working on paintings for my solo show in November. Here are some sneaky peeky shots of the progress. I’ll admit it, I have no idea what I’m doing and these are very far off from the initial sketches I did.



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